Frosty the Snowman - A Retelling

I suppose it all started with the snow. You see, it was a very special kind of snow. A snow that made the happy happier, and the giddy even giddier. A snow that’d make a homecoming homier, and natural enemies, friends, natural. For it was the first snow of the season. And as any child can tell you, there’s a certain magic that comes with the very first snow, especially when it falls on the day before Christmas.

The children placed the top hat on the head of the snowman.

No one expected anything to happen, least of all the magician Hinkle. But with a flourish, the snowman came alive and said happily, “Happy Birthday!”

Hinkle, done fighting with his obstinate rabbit, saw this miraculous occurrence and shouted, “Hey, you kids, that’s my hat!”

He approached the snowman and tried to grab the hat.

It’s difficult to judge what happens inside the mind of a sentient snowman. Perhaps Frosty saw his life flash before his eyes. Or perhaps he was overfilled with the Christmas spirit. Or perhaps the dark lord Baphomet, whose soul had been captured inside the hat by a wizard long ago, woke up from his ensorcelled sleep to find himself inside a crudely shaped, snow-based body with a group of defenseless children nearby.

The children watched in horror as Frosty placed his palms on the ground and began a ritualistic chant. An army of snow creatures rose from the ground and ripped the poor magician limb from limb. A spray of crimson covered the snow, bringing a festive hint of Christmas.

The snow army turned on the children and chased them down the street as Frosty sang:

Frosty the Snowman
Has a demon for a soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
He was imprisoned long ago
Frosty the Snowman
Made the children scream and pray
And were they surprised when
Before their eyes
A magician he did flay
There must have been some magic
In that old silk hat they found
For when they placed it on his head
He summoned monsters from the ground
Frosty the Snowman
Was alive as he could be
And the children say
You should run away
Or scream for eternity

Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Dead bodies in the snow


Short Story: In Too Deep – Why I Joined Cult

I didn’t mean to join a cult.

I was single and this hot girl was all over me at the bar. Like way out of my league. I didn’t even have to approach her, she started hitting on me.

She said she had a place we could fool around nearby. Who turns that down?

When we got there I almost bailed. There was a scary looking fence covered in strange symbols and black dried-on gunk. Plus, there were bloody heads on spikes all around. It wasn’t even close to Halloween, but whatever. Maybe they just didn’t clean up their decorations. I’d left Christmas lights out all year once before. Who was I to judge?

So anyway, we did the deed that night, and in the morning she asked me to stay for breakfast. She warned me I was going to have to listen to some crazy stuff. But she said it was worth it for the food.

I thought about leaving. But she does this all with no shirt on. And she’s…well, nevermind. I’m sure you can guess the kinds of thing she was doing.

I went to breakfast. And it was fucking delicious. Piles of bacon, eggs, pancakes. Whatever you can think of, they had it. They even had breakfast pizza.

This guy spoke. They called him the Master. The Master was an intense guy who looked like he had seen horrors beyond imagining. Anyway, he rambled on about all kinds of crazy stuff like demons, self-flagellation, and drinking the blood of the elder gods, but I wasn’t paying much attention.

The chick asked me to stay the rest of the day and fool around some more. I called in sick. Maybe I should have said no, but you can’t imagine how hot this girl was.

So I stayed. And we screwed. And we had pizza for lunch and supper. And I stayed the night again.

I don’t want you to misunderstand, I had an inkling of what I was getting myself into. I knew these people were crazy. But the sex was mindblowing and I wasn’t going to say no. Within a week I had joined up.

Jessie, that was her name, stopped sleeping with me at that point, but I figured that would happen. She was just a recruiter. I knew how this sort of thing worked. By then, I didn’t care.

I was in too deep.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Human sacrifice is evil. It is. I don’t deny that.

And summoning literal demons from the hell pit to eat infants? What can I say? I never believed the demons were real. But after you’ve seen it once it’s really not that bad.

I almost left when I found out my entire family had been transformed into monstrous spider beasts, but where was I going to go at that point?

It was a bit shocking when I found out that we had installed dark simulacrums at every level of government and we were poised to transform the entire country into a demonic hellscape. But honestly, it wasn’t going to be much of a change.

The dark prince, Azvales, took most of the women to be his brides, but he left Jessie. Turns out she’s a succubus, but I don’t mind. We still screw occasionally even though she absorbs a bit of my life force each time. She tries not to take too much, which is nice because I get to keep living instead of spending eternity in a realm of neverending torment. I thought she was being kind, but then she told me my soul is delicious and she wants to savor it.

This is my life now. It’s not perfect, but I’m happy enough.

Sometimes the tentacles coming out of the toilet while you’re trying to go get pretty annoying. And the undying screams of the banshee queen can make it hard to sleep. And the lashings from the abyssal whip can get excruciating, especially when the scabs that form contain the souls of the damned crying for release.

I don’t believe most of what we preach here.

I could do without the mandatory time in the chair of thorns. I could go either way on the blood pacts and nightmares and ichor from the showerhead. I’m not really partial to the imp who clings to the ceiling of my chamber cackling whenever he sees me naked. And frankly, I’m not a huge fan of abominations from other dimensions always asking me if I’m going to eat my dessert.

Like, fucking hell, Xylork, get your own fucking pudding.

Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering why I stay. But trust me, I wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t something in it for me.

When the dark forces consume the living, I’ll get to choose my own method of death. I’ve seen leviathans create portals to hell in the rectums of unbelievers. I’ve seen thousands of demons and winged beasts pour out, and believe me, it’s not a pretty picture. That’s not the way I want to go out. On the other hand, having my life sucked out of my dick seems like a pretty good time.

But that’s not everything.

I don’t have to pay rent. I have a place to stay, free of charge, in exchange for just a bit of work. It’s really not that hard to clean up bile and the husks of recently opened egg pods and pools of demonic semen.

Also, and this is really the big thing for me…I know I mentioned it earlier, but I can’t stress this enough: they have free pizza at every meal.

Short Story: Significant Decisions

It could come down to this.

He had two choices. It was what you might call a classic two-roads-diverging-in-the-woods situation.

Both roads could lead to wonders beyond the realm of human imagination. Both roads could lead to a painful early death involving a tragic snowglobe accident. Or riches. Or tortures that violated the Geneva Convention. Happiness. Horrors. Wonders. Supernatural beings taking his very soul.

There was really no way of knowing.

A classic damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t situation.

An impossible choice. But it was a choice that he had to make. A decision that could change the course of his life forever.

Maybe even the course of all humanity.

They say that the flapping of a butterfly’s wings can cause winds to blow thousands of miles away. If that’s truly the case, then this decision could have effects that rippled through the fabric of time itself. Ripples that could alter the makeup of the universe.

In thousands of years, scientists could be debating the existence of a newly discovered particle. A particle that could very well be brought into existence by the decision in front of him.

They say you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Maybe this was his shot. His chance. His time. His moment. His Alamo. His Waterloo. His Battle of Thermopylae.

The hands of destiny and fate are too strong for any man to defeat. No amount of pilates or guided meditation could possibly prepare a human for the momentous decision that he had to make today.

But this decision would lead to other decisions. Other choices. A cascade of events that would soon be beyond his control. An avalanche. A stampede of life. A raging river overflowing the levees of his carefully constructed existence.

There was only one right path. And only one left.

He knew what he had to do.

“Dude, are you just swiping right on every chick on tinder?”