Short Story: In Too Deep – Why I Joined Cult

I didn’t mean to join a cult.

I was single and this hot girl was all over me at the bar. Like way out of my league. I didn’t even have to approach her, she started hitting on me.

She said she had a place we could fool around nearby. Who turns that down?

When we got there I almost bailed. There was a scary looking fence covered in strange symbols and black dried-on gunk. Plus, there were bloody heads on spikes all around. It wasn’t even close to Halloween, but whatever. Maybe they just didn’t clean up their decorations. I’d left Christmas lights out all year once before. Who was I to judge?

So anyway, we did the deed that night, and in the morning she asked me to stay for breakfast. She warned me I was going to have to listen to some crazy stuff. But she said it was worth it for the food.

I thought about leaving. But she does this all with no shirt on. And she’s…well, nevermind. I’m sure you can guess the kinds of thing she was doing.

I went to breakfast. And it was fucking delicious. Piles of bacon, eggs, pancakes. Whatever you can think of, they had it. They even had breakfast pizza.

This guy spoke. They called him the Master. The Master was an intense guy who looked like he had seen horrors beyond imagining. Anyway, he rambled on about all kinds of crazy stuff like demons, self-flagellation, and drinking the blood of the elder gods, but I wasn’t paying much attention.

The chick asked me to stay the rest of the day and fool around some more. I called in sick. Maybe I should have said no, but you can’t imagine how hot this girl was.

So I stayed. And we screwed. And we had pizza for lunch and supper. And I stayed the night again.

I don’t want you to misunderstand, I had an inkling of what I was getting myself into. I knew these people were crazy. But the sex was mindblowing and I wasn’t going to say no. Within a week I had joined up.

Jessie, that was her name, stopped sleeping with me at that point, but I figured that would happen. She was just a recruiter. I knew how this sort of thing worked. By then, I didn’t care.

I was in too deep.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Human sacrifice is evil. It is. I don’t deny that.

And summoning literal demons from the hell pit to eat infants? What can I say? I never believed the demons were real. But after you’ve seen it once it’s really not that bad.

I almost left when I found out my entire family had been transformed into monstrous spider beasts, but where was I going to go at that point?

It was a bit shocking when I found out that we had installed dark simulacrums at every level of government and we were poised to transform the entire country into a demonic hellscape. But honestly, it wasn’t going to be much of a change.

The dark prince, Azvales, took most of the women to be his brides, but he left Jessie. Turns out she’s a succubus, but I don’t mind. We still screw occasionally even though she absorbs a bit of my life force each time. She tries not to take too much, which is nice because I get to keep living instead of spending eternity in a realm of neverending torment. I thought she was being kind, but then she told me my soul is delicious and she wants to savor it.

This is my life now. It’s not perfect, but I’m happy enough.

Sometimes the tentacles coming out of the toilet while you’re trying to go get pretty annoying. And the undying screams of the banshee queen can make it hard to sleep. And the lashings from the abyssal whip can get excruciating, especially when the scabs that form contain the souls of the damned crying for release.

I don’t believe most of what we preach here.

I could do without the mandatory time in the chair of thorns. I could go either way on the blood pacts and nightmares and ichor from the showerhead. I’m not really partial to the imp who clings to the ceiling of my chamber cackling whenever he sees me naked. And frankly, I’m not a huge fan of abominations from other dimensions always asking me if I’m going to eat my dessert.

Like, fucking hell, Xylork, get your own fucking pudding.

Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering why I stay. But trust me, I wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t something in it for me.

When the dark forces consume the living, I’ll get to choose my own method of death. I’ve seen leviathans create portals to hell in the rectums of unbelievers. I’ve seen thousands of demons and winged beasts pour out, and believe me, it’s not a pretty picture. That’s not the way I want to go out. On the other hand, having my life sucked out of my dick seems like a pretty good time.

But that’s not everything.

I don’t have to pay rent. I have a place to stay, free of charge, in exchange for just a bit of work. It’s really not that hard to clean up bile and the husks of recently opened egg pods and pools of demonic semen.

Also, and this is really the big thing for me…I know I mentioned it earlier, but I can’t stress this enough: they have free pizza at every meal.

Short Story: Significant Decisions

It could come down to this.

He had two choices. It was what you might call a classic two-roads-diverging-in-the-woods situation.

Both roads could lead to wonders beyond the realm of human imagination. Both roads could lead to a painful early death involving a tragic snowglobe accident. Or riches. Or tortures that violated the Geneva Convention. Happiness. Horrors. Wonders. Supernatural beings taking his very soul.

There was really no way of knowing.

A classic damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t situation.

An impossible choice. But it was a choice that he had to make. A decision that could change the course of his life forever.

Maybe even the course of all humanity.

They say that the flapping of a butterfly’s wings can cause winds to blow thousands of miles away. If that’s truly the case, then this decision could have effects that rippled through the fabric of time itself. Ripples that could alter the makeup of the universe.

In thousands of years, scientists could be debating the existence of a newly discovered particle. A particle that could very well be brought into existence by the decision in front of him.

They say you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Maybe this was his shot. His chance. His time. His moment. His Alamo. His Waterloo. His Battle of Thermopylae.

The hands of destiny and fate are too strong for any man to defeat. No amount of pilates or guided meditation could possibly prepare a human for the momentous decision that he had to make today.

But this decision would lead to other decisions. Other choices. A cascade of events that would soon be beyond his control. An avalanche. A stampede of life. A raging river overflowing the levees of his carefully constructed existence.

There was only one right path. And only one left.

He knew what he had to do.

“Dude, are you just swiping right on every chick on tinder?”

Short Story: The Perils of Time Travel

A bit inspired by Dr. Who

“But Professor, you said that meeting yourself would drive you insane!” Jenny shouted.

“Yes, it’s one of many dangers of time travel, but I have no choice,” the Professor said, her hair flipping wildly as she worked the controls of the time machine. “We have failed. I have to go back and help myself or the Universe will be destroyed. Maybe this time, we’ll get it right.”

The machine dematerialized and materialized again a few dozen feet from, and a few minutes before its original position. Now there were two time machines on the platform of the station suspended above the black hole.

The Professor turned as she stepped out of the machine, “You stay here, Jenny. No sense us both risking our sanity.”

Another Professor, this one a few minutes younger, stood outside of her own time machine with a confused look on her face, “Well, clearly we screwed things up bad if you’re here. And our mind is clearly already gone.”

“What do you mean?” asked the slightly older Professor.

“In case you’ve forgotten, OUR name is Jenny.”

“Nonsense, two people can have the same name.”

“Yes, but there is only room in our time machine for one person.”

“Nonsense, it’s much bigger on the inside.”

“No it isn’t, I should know. I’m you. That doesn’t even make any sense. Just because we can travel through space and time doesn’t mean we can ignore the laws of physics.”